Tomorrow's my birthday

So, tomorrow I'm turning 29. Some people think of this as rather tragic, but I'm looking forward to it. Like most milestones in my life, I'm going to attach some sort of mystical power to this birthday, the one bringing me that much closer to ending my 20's. I've been reflecting on my life lately and realize that I'm constantly looking for a thrill, for fulfillment, for SOMETHING exciting to happen. I always think it will come when I begin something new: a new job, get a new apartment, start a new school, heck, buy a new pair of shoes. Yet nothing really changes. I'm still the same me. No big shocking revelation happens, no horrible tragedy, no amazing good thing. Just life continues. Is it wrong for me to yearn for something new, different, and exciting? Is it wrong to want to be special, to be different?

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "ambition." This has weighed on my mind for years. I remember several years ago being in a Bible study and the subject of ambition came up. I said something about ambition being a good thing and that I was glad I had it and suddenly everyone looked at me like I was an alien or something. Apparently, ambition is a bad thing. I was unaware. I always thought ambition was that drive to be something special, to be successful. I never thought of that as a bad thing. But maybe it is. Maybe I'm so unbelievably selfish that I can't see how that wouldn't be a good thing. Of course, I want to follow God's will, and I know He says to put others before myself. That's not something I'm very good at, unfortunately. And I just can't shake that feeling that I'm meant for something bigger than my little life. And I keep thinking it's coming just around the bend. With this move, with this birthday, with this new beginning.

I've tried running to different places, only to find the same old me there that was in the last place. It doesn't matter where my mail goes: Texas, London, New York, the moon...it will still just be coming to me. Is it wrong that our parents raise us to think we can be anything we want? I'm a very practical and realistic person, but inside me is this crazy daydreamer who's always slightly disappointed. Is this really it?